One of the hardest aspects of going through a breakup or losing someone you love is the denial stage, when every part of you resists reality, because it is still too painful to fully accept.
It’s when the irrational part of you stubbornly clings on to the smallest shred of hope that maybe reality will change, that the end isn’t truly final, even though the other person’s resolute silence speaks louder than words. It’s when the delusional part of you thinks that maybe they didn’t actually mean it when they said they wanted to go their separate ways, even though every day that passes by with their absence screams that they actually, really, did.
It’s when you know it’s unhelpful to relive memories of the past, but you still compulsively do it because it’s the only way to stay tethered to them, even if it hurts. It’s when you can’t quite bring yourself to look forward instead of backward, because you’re not sure what to look forward to anymore—because the future you were looking forward to included them in it, but now it’s just a deep, dark, uncertain abyss.
It’s when you keep forgetting that they are no longer in your life, so you remind yourself over and over again that you cannot text them about that animal video they would have loved, or that stressful situation at work, or the good news your friend just shared with you. It’s when your brain still scrambles to catch up with the new reality that you’ve lost a metaphorical “limb”, resulting in “phantom limb sensations” that make you feel as if you still have it, even if you don’t. And even though the limb is not a vital organ so you can technically live without it, it doesn’t change the fact that life looks a whole lot different now and it sucks having to adjust to the loss.
It’s when you proceed with life, keeping busy and surrounded by friends and family, only to be hit with the sudden realization that you never actually needed this other person—but you wanted them, nonetheless. It’s the bittersweet realization that you did have a full life before them and you still have a full life after them, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that you still loved the version of your life that had them in it.
It’s when you drive yourself crazy filling in the blanks to all the unanswered questions that still linger in your mind, even though you know there’s absolutely no way of verifying the truth and you’re probably only hurting yourself with unnecessary assumptions. It’s when you still find yourself shocked, dumbfounded, and confused, even though you know deep down that you’ll probably never find the answers and it’s best to just make peace with the confusion.
It’s when you clearly see an alternative solution that could have led to a vastly different outcome, but you no longer have the chance to act upon it, leaving you with a sense of wasted potential and ‘if onlys’, ‘what ifs’, and ‘could have beens’. It’s being haunted by the knowledge that it didn’t have to end up this way, except it did, and the latter is the only raw material you have left to work with. You have no other choice.
If you are going through a similar situation, I hope that one day you can come to terms with reality—even if it’s different from what you would have preferred.
I hope that one day you can come to terms with all of the ‘could have beens’—the new memories you’d never make, the milestones you’d never reach, the future you’d never have together.
I hope that one day you can come to terms with all of the unanswered questions, the lack of closure, the never truly understanding why this had to happen—at least not in this lifetime.
I hope that one day you can come to terms with all of the ‘if onlys’—the alternative outcomes you imagine might have happened if only you had known better, if only you had done things differently, if only you could have changed the past.
Because none of these things can change the reality of what currently is. And the present day reality is the only version of reality we have left to operate with. Everything else is wishful thinking. Everything else is no longer within our control.
So if you are struggling to come to terms with reality, please extend yourself some patience and grace. It is not easy to accept a reality that feels, at times, unacceptable. But I hope that one day you can learn to work with reality rather than resist it, because doing so will enable you to adapt in a new direction—towards the new life that awaits you.
– Celine (@itscelinediaz)
Celine Diaz: Real Talk 