Well, I suppose it’s safe to say that I’ve done what most people can’t do. I let go, when most people would latch on. I leaped and I did, in fact, fall. I let go and I did, in fact, lose. I consented to having my heart broken, knowing full well what I was getting myself into. And reality did not disappoint; it was everything I expected it to be and more. Am I stronger now? I don’t know. I can’t say conclusively, but that’s just what it’s like to heal.
Healing is nothing like it is in the movies. Or maybe it is, except the concept of ‘time’ is vastly warped. You don’t ‘break’ and then come out totally confident a few weeks later. The reality is that the healing process is NOT linear; it’s a freaking roller-coaster. You have good days and bad days, and the cycle repeats itself. You take one step forward and then two steps back. You think you’re getting up, but then you fall back down again.
Forgiveness, I realized, is also not linear. First of all, it’s not an emotion, but a choice. Second of all, if you think you can do it without some kind of divine grace, you are kidding yourself; forgiveness is essentially countering everything your natural human tendency is telling you to do. Thirdly, forgiveness is a decision you constantly have to make and then re-make—for as long as it takes. Even if that means multiple times a month, a week, a day.
You also have to come to terms with the fact that life can be downright perplexing at times. While asking “Why?” (“Why did this happen? Why me?”) can be helpful, sometimes it is unproductive—especially when not a single person you ask has a clue how to answer it. Some things aren’t meant to be made sense of. These are the moments when only the grace of God can help you trust Him.
Finally, when it comes to healing, be patient with yourself. If you’re anything like me, you’d want nothing more than to be free of the things that hold you down, to shake all the unnecessary weight off your shoulders so you can finally use your energy on something more productive. But, for the time-being, you still find yourself tangled in a strange mess you never wanted to be in. Personally, I would cut the cord and untangle myself immediately if I could. But it doesn’t work like that. Detangling takes time, and for now I am still indirectly weaved into a story that I will soon not be a part of.
Until then, here’s to the journey towards healing. If you’re on a similar road, join me. If there’s any good that can come out of this, it’s growth in virtues, I suppose. Total reliance on God; blind trust in His will despite having no clue how the hurt can be transformed into something meaningful; forgiving when it’s the last thing you feel like doing; and having enough patience to allow His promises to come through.
Keep your chin up.
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