It wasn’t too long ago that my life consisted of throwing myself into many, many, many dates before finding the right person. It can be gruelling and exhausting to throw yourself back out into the arena after facing one disappointment after the next, so here are 12 tips for surviving the dating world.
1. Rejection is not an indication of your worth, but rather of misalignment.
Rejection stings. There’s no way around it. But the quickest way to moving on is to remember that rejection is not a measure of your self-worth; it simply means that you and the other person are not the ‘right fit’. Your energy and efforts are better directed towards people who are more aligned with you and appreciate what you have to offer.
I, myself, have gone on many dates with people who are absolutely incredible, but not quite the right fit for me in terms of values, personality, etc. (and I’m sure they felt the same way about me). My choice not to continue dating them does not mean they are unworthy of love; it does not decrease their value whatsoever. In fact, whoever does end up with them will be very lucky! Well, guess what? The same principle applies to you. Knowing this can help you take rejection less personally.
While rejection can provide some valuable feedback on how you can improve yourself, it is not an indicator of your inherent worth and value as a human being; these do not change depending on your circumstances.
2. The cold, hard truth is that if they wanted to, they would.
I was once in a situation where someone was sending me mixed signals—not because they were intentionally trying to play with my feelings, but because they were genuinely undecided about how they felt about me. But because I liked them, I kept clinging onto the smallest signs that they were into me and ignoring the signs that they weren’t. Yes, I may not have been a “heck no” for them, but I was also not a “heck yes”—and I forgot that very important detail. They did not owe me their affection; they were free to choose. But was this what I wanted to settle for? To be a “maybe”—just another option they put back on the shelf for later consideration after exploring others?
My point is that sometimes, when we like someone, we cling onto the tiniest evidence that they like us too (real or imagined), coming up with all kinds of reasons for why they might not have asked us out yet, while forgetting one important principle: if they wanted to, they would. And if they haven’t, it’s because they don’t want to—at least not enough to actually do something about it. You deserve someone who is decided about you.
3. When you’re nervous to go on a date, ask yourself: “What do I really have to lose?”
At first, it seems like there is a lot to lose: mostly your pride and ego, if injured from rejection. (To this, I’d say circle back to Point #1.). Maybe a little time and money. But even if the date doesn’t result in finding “the one”, there’s still so much you could gain from it:
- a new perspective from talking to someone new;
- a new friend;
- more practice with the skill of conversation to aid you in future dates;
- thicker skin to handle rejection in the future without taking it personally;
- more awareness of what you value and look for in a partner versus what you will not settle for;
- not being haunted by “What ifs?” because you dared to try, instead of living with regrets;
- a deeper sense of self-respect from putting yourself out there despite your fears, and giving yourself the chance of finding love;
- or, at the very least, maybe you’ll come out of the date with a funny story to tell for years and years to come.
When you focus on what you could gain rather than on what you could lose, it can boost your courage to simply go on the damn date. It’s just an opportunity to get to know someone, after all; it’s not like you’re signing yourself away to a lifetime of marriage after one hour of coffee. Remembering this can make dating feel less daunting.
4. Be direct. (It’s scary, but it will save you time.)
Do you like someone? Ask them out. Are you getting mixed signals? Ask for clarification. Are you looking for something serious? Let them know your needs and expectations. Is someone’s behaviour bothering you? Draw a boundary.
You’ll always run the risk of not getting the answer that what you want—but at least you’ll know. At least you’ll be free. At least you can move forward and save yourself the time you would’ve otherwise wasted on wondering, on guessing games, on building resentment, on tip-toeing around the issue. Being direct will propel things forward either way.
5. Never ignore red flags—even if you’re head over heels for someone.
Red flags don’t always come in the overt form of physical or emotional abuse, but also in subtler forms like neglect, inconsistency, mixed signals, disinterest, or lack of returned effort or investment. Sometimes red flags come in the form of incompatible value systems, a mismatch in lifestyles, or a failure to commit. Whatever it is, don’t ignore it; it will bite you in the end.
If you find yourself constantly explaining away someone’s unfavourable behaviours, making excuses for them, sweeping things under the rug, and having to convince yourself or your friends and over and over again about why you are still seeing them, it is never a good sign. Never date someone for their potential to change, but rather for who they are.
6. Make it your goal to get to know the other person rather than to convince them to like you.
Sometimes we have the tendency to go into a date desperately hoping the other person will like us, rather than asking ourselves if we even like them. When we remember that the power to choose does not only lie in the other person’s hands but also our own, we not only become empowered to think critically, but also become less nervous by remembering that we’re not the only ones in the ‘hot seat’.
I find that shifting my attention outward (towards the other person) rather than inward (towards myself) helps me stay fully present and less self-conscious. Instead of trying to make an impression, focus on trying to help the other person feel valued and seen. Leading with curiosity rather than self-preservation can create the right environment for genuine connection to bloom.
7. You have to put yourself out there. There’s no way around it.
I saw a meme that said that unless you want to date the Amazon delivery guy, your person is not just going to magically land on your doorstep. You have to put yourself out there in order to meet someone.
For some, that means going on dating apps or blind dates; for others, it means volunteering, taking up a new hobby, expanding your social circle by meeting your friends’ friends, or getting more involved in church communities in order to be around likeminded people who share the some values and interests. You’re not as likely to find your person by hiding in your apartment all day.
Some people say that “love comes when you least expect it”. To that, I’d say yes … and no. It’s okay to make an effort to increase your odds of getting what you want. But it’s also important not to force things. Just do your best with what’s within your control and accept the outcome. And, yes, be open to the unexpected. But don’t let anyone shame you for trying.
8. Attraction matters.
Yes, attraction does matter; that’s what differentiates ‘friends’ from ‘more-than-friends’. Even if they are a great person, if you are not attracted to them, it will only present problems in the long run.
But also remember that attraction goes far beyond the physical: someone’s character, vibe, confidence, humour, wit, or ambition can make them more attractive than a photo can sufficiently capture. So if you’ve only ever dated people with blonde hair and blue eyes, try venturing beyond that for a change. You might just be surprised. 😉
9. Know what you want, but have some flexibility.
Sometimes people seem like they’d be a good fit for you on paper, but when you meet in person, there is no chemistry. The opposite can be true as well. So consider being open to people who might not necessarily be “your type” at first glance.
While it’s important to have a general idea of what you’re looking for in order to more easily identify those who are the right fit from those who aren’t, allow for some flexibility (aside from your non-negotiables, of course). Make room for the unexpected and don’t prematurely dismiss people who might’ve otherwise been good for you just because of a narrow checklist; you never know who you might end up clicking with!
10. Your nervous system knows before your mind does. Pay attention.
Sometimes your body detects potential danger before the mind does—whether that’s physical or emotional unsafety. If you sense that something is “off” about someone, even if you can’t quite put a finger on it, pay attention. (Listening to my gut saved me from dating someone who would later end up on the news for harassing women. True story.)
Do you feel tense and uneasy around someone beyond normal first-date jitters, even if everything seems fine on the surface? You might be sensing physical or emotional unsafety; or your trauma might be triggered, signaling a need for healing; or you might be sensing incompatibility for whatever reason.
Do you feel safe, relaxed, open, and at ease around someone? Do you feel like you can let your hair down and just be yourself around them? Does every interaction with them feel natural and authentic? That’s a great sign to proceed with openness.
Although the nervous system, which is responsible for our fight, flight, or freeze response, isn’t always accurate when sensing danger (it can mistakenly perceive things as threatening based on past experience, even if it is no longer threatening in the present), it’s nonetheless important to pay attention to the way your body is automatically reacting to the people you are dating.
11. Even if you’re convinced that someone is perfect for you, if they do not choose you or invest the same amount of effort into you, they are not the one.
Yes, sometimes one person falls for the other person first before the feeling becomes mutual. This lag is normal. But if you find that your efforts to “convince” someone to choose you are fruitless after a prolonged amount of time, it’s best for you to move on. The time you spend hung up over someone who does not pour the same effort into your relationship will only take away from the time you could otherwise spend investing on other people who are equally invested in you. You deserve to be fully chosen.
12. The best way to attract the right person is to work on yourself.
Focus on becoming a person who is worthy of the type of person you would like to attract. If you want someone who is loyal, kind, hardworking, and fit, then become someone who is loyal, kind, hardworking, and fit. Doing so will not only increase your odds of attracting that type of person, but will also make you feel more confident about what you have to offer when you do meet them.
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I hope these 12 tips will help you survive the dating world, because I know it can be pretty harsh out there! As cliché as it sounds, never forget your worth and don’t settle for less. If you remember that, you’ll always be okay—no matter what your relationship status is.
— Celine
Celine Diaz: Real Talk 