When I was younger, I used to pride myself on constantly making a martyr of myself for other people.
While I do still pride myself on having the self-control to be kind to people who are not kind to me, to refuse to fight fire with fire, to stay classy when I could easily be petty, and to let go of my pride rather than lash out from an injured ego, the problem occurs when you allow this virtue to turn you into a doormat. A doormat that people can walk all over without any consequences. A doormat that makes you lose your self-respect.
There is nothing virtuous about being a doormat.
Without going into specifics, I recently faced a situation where I tried to extend kindness to someone who had hurt me, because I valued our overall connection more than the hurt. But rather than being receptive to my kindness, they met it with coldness instead. It was almost as if my kindness was offensive to them somehow, as if I had done something wrong by choosing to extend a friendly gesture. I felt taken aback and terribly misunderstood. My intentions were pure, but they were perceived as unwelcome.
I finally started to accept the fact that there was nothing left for me here. The connection could no longer be salvaged. How could you connect with someone who was hell-bent on disconnection?
At first, when I finally withdrew my attempts to stay friendly, I felt small, fragile, weak, vulnerable, foolish, and downright embarrassed for even bothering to try.
But after making the decision to stop trying, I was surprised by the amount of liberation I felt.
The energy shifted. Letting go was like a subtle ‘power move’ that sent signals to my brain to stand up just a little bit taller and walk with a little more dignity. It was as if I had recovered an ounce of self-respect that I didn’t even realize I had lost by trying to save a connection with someone who clearly did not want it to be saved.
It finally dawned on me that I deserved more than a one-sided “friendship” where my attempts to restore connection only left me feeling discarded, where I was even made to feel guilty for my kindness. I realized that I deserved to invest in people who were willing to invest in me. There was no use continuing to spend energy on people who were not willing to match my energy. There was no use in extending kindness to people who were committed to misunderstanding it, who made it feel so unwelcome.
This is not bitterness, pettiness, or even unforgiveness. This is simply recognizing what is and isn’t worth my time. This is having the self-respect to walk away with shoulders squared and chin up.
– Celine (@itscelinediaz)
Celine Diaz: Real Talk 